Together Forever

All couples have differences or disagreements in marriage. When partners can’t find a way to deal with some of these differences or disagreement the couple may become gridlocked. What gridlocks do you have in your marriage? Consider this question as we discuss how to overcome gridlock in marriage. Gottman states that, “all gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics.” These include: 1.         You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution. 2.         Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection. 3.         The issue us becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on. 4.         Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self. So how do we overcome gridlock in marriage? In his book Gottman gives us four steps to help overcome marital issue th...

                         All marriages have conflict because we each bring our own individual ideas, opinions, morals, and difference into the relationship. In Gottman’s book he states that there are two kinds of marital conflict. These include perpetual problems and solvable problems.             Gottman states that the majority of conflicts, 69%, fall into the perpetual problem category. All couples have them, these problems are grounded in the fundamental differences that any two people face. In happy marriages Gottman says, “that despite their difference, these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their unmovable problems so that they don’t become overwhelming. They’ve learned to keep then in their place and approach them with a sense of humor.” On the other hand, in un...

How do I humble myself and use repentance to make my marriage stronger? This is the question I find asking myself as I read Chapter 4 “Humility and Repentance” in Goddard’s book. He states; “The first step is the humility to know that our perceptions are very limited. We rarely know our partner's heart or God's purposes. Then we learn to call on God. Every day. Every hour. We cry out with all great repenters: "O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on my fallen and troubled soul. Fill me with Thee. Soften my heart. Give me healing peace." There is power in submission. As Paul astutely observed, "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong" (2 Corinthians. 12:10, emphasis added). Very often our self-sufficiency gets in God's way. In the spirit of humility, we listen to our partner and we listen to God. We replace despair with an enla...

                Do I recognize “bids” made by my husband or am I so caught up in the busyness of life that I ignore them? John Gottman states, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.” I would like to say that my answer is always yes, but I find that sometimes I ignore the bids he makes. It may not necessarily be very big significant bids but the small bids that I ignore. As I have focused this week on whether I take the time to turn toward my husband I have discovered those things.      Gottman continues, “the first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments a...

How much fondness and admiration do you have for your spouse? That is the question I find asking myself as I read principle 2 in John M. Gottman’s book about marriage. Gottman states, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.” He continued talking about the history of the relationship, I often go back to when my husband and I first met and have fond memories of that time. Gottman says, “the best test of whether a couple still have a functioning fondness and admiration system is usually how they view their past. If a marriage is troubled, asking the couple about the current state of affairs is not likely to elicit much mutual praise. But query them about the past and you can often detect embers of positive feelings.” I love to hear about how people met their spouses and I especially love when I hear my husband tell how we met. I thought I would share my story to help me remember some of those memories I am so fond of. ...