Conflict in Marriage

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            All marriages have conflict because we each bring our own individual ideas, opinions, morals, and difference into the relationship. In Gottman’s book he states that there are two kinds of marital conflict. These include perpetual problems and solvable problems.
            Gottman states that the majority of conflicts, 69%, fall into the perpetual problem category. All couples have them, these problems are grounded in the fundamental differences that any two people face. In happy marriages Gottman says, “that despite their difference, these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their unmovable problems so that they don’t become overwhelming. They’ve learned to keep then in their place and approach them with a sense of humor.” On the other hand, in unstable marriages, “perpetual problems eventually kill the relationship. Instead of coping with the problems effectively, the couple get gridlocked over it.” If you have a question whether you are gridlocked or not here is a list of the signs.
*The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
*You keep talking about it but make no headway.
*You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge.
*When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt.
*Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.
*You become even more “unbudgeable” over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations.
*This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your positions and polarized more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise.
*Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.
            Solvable problem even though they may sound relatively simple they can still cause a great deal of pain. Gottman states, “simply because a problem is solvable doesn’t mean it gets resolved. If a couple doesn’t possess effective techniques for conquering a solvable problem, it can cause excessive tension.”
            In the book Gottman gives key to managing conflict. These keys include: negative emotions are important, no one is right, acceptance is crucial, and focus on fondness and admiration. I think it is important to remember when it comes to conflict in marriage we need to be willing to forgive. I have found this to be very helpful in my marriage, we need to treat our spouse with love and respect.

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