Overcoming Gridlock

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All couples have differences or disagreements in marriage. When partners can’t find a way to deal with some of these differences or disagreement the couple may become gridlocked. What gridlocks do you have in your marriage? Consider this question as we discuss how to overcome gridlock in marriage. Gottman states that, “all gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics.” These include:

1.       You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2.       Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3.       The issue us becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4.       Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

So how do we overcome gridlock in marriage? In his book Gottman gives us four steps to help overcome marital issue that are gridlocked.

1.      Explore the Dream(s)
“To get started, choose a particular gridlocked conflict to work on. Then write an explanation of your position. Don’t criticize or blame your spouse. Next, write the story of the hidden dreams that underlie your position. Explain where these dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you.” Now each person gets 15 minutes to be the speaker and 15 minutes to be the listener. Be supportive of each other dreams and don’t be judgmental.
2.     Soothe
“Discussing dreams that are in opposition can be stressful. Pay attention to how you are each reacting to the conversation. Alert your partner if you feel signs of stress. Remember that if flooding occurs, the conversation will get nowhere.”
3.     Reach a Temporary Compromise
“Now it’s time to begin the ongoing task of making peace with this issue, accepting the differences between you, and establishing some kind of initial compromise that will help you continue to discuss the problem amicably.” We must remember that the purpose is not to solve the conflict it may never completely go away. It is important in this step to find common ground.
4.    Say “Thank You”
“It may take more than one session to overcome gridlock on issues that have been deeply troubling your marriage. The goal here is to recreate the spirit of thanksgiving, in which you count your blessings and look inward to express gratitude for all you have.”
Gottman concludes the chapter by stating, “Follow these four steps, and you’ll be able to move out of gridlock on your perpetual problems. Be patient with the process and each other. You’ll know you’re making progress when the issue in question feels less loaded to you both- when you can discuss it with your sense of humor intact, and it no longer looms so large that it crowds out the love and joy in your relationship.”

I learned a lot this week about gridlock and found Gottman’s steps to be very helpful. I think we need to discuss issues with our spouse that we can either avoid or overcome gridlock. We need to be loving, compassionate, and patient when we discuss our dreams with our spouse.


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