Who's the Boss?

Who is the boss in your family? You, your spouse, or your children?

Richard B. Miller in his article Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families made some great points about power in your marriage and family relationships. He states; “the issues of power, control, and hierarchy are important in families. Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems.”

Some of his great points include:

1.      Parents are the leaders in the family.

2.      Parents must be united in their leadership.

3.      The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.

4.      The marital relationship should be a partnership.

a.       Husbands and wives are equal.

b.      Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.

c.       A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.

d.       Husbands and wives work together as partners.

I would just like to touch a little more on a couple of the points that really stood out to me. The first is under parents are the leader in the family. He says; “do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed.” He continues and quotes Dr. John Rosemond; “Give your children, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language- “NO”. Unfortunately, many of not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need.” Wow, such powerful words! I think sometimes we just want to be our child’s friend and sometimes forget that we are there to guide and raise them. We must be the one to teach them the hard things and they must hear the word NO from us.

The next point I would like to touch on is the marital relationship should be a partnership. In Miller’s article he shared a story about President Gordon B. Hinckley, former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and his wife that I absolutely loved. It was from an interview they had with a church magazine.

Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” How has he done that?

Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me.

Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley?

President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life (Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27).

What a great example of how a marriage relationship should work. Each spouse has their own set of responsibilities, but it is important to treat our spouse as an equal. We shouldn’t try to govern over them and tell them what to do. We need to let them each have their own personality and dreams.

After reading this article I find myself asking the question; What is the power relationship in my marriage? I invite you to look into your own life and ask yourself the same question.